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January 2017

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Journal 1

I am not perfect. I am overweight. I am not society's picture of beautiful. I am far from it. I am not ladylike. My manners aren't exactly finishing school quality. I stay up way into the morning and I sleep until afternoon. I would rather stay home and write than go to a salon. I would rather spend money on a new tattoo than on a new pair of designer shoes. I prefer sweatpants and a tanktop over a 200$ outfit from Macy's. I shop at thriftstores. I'm not rich. I'm short. I wear glasses. I am extremely headstrong. I don't idolize most celebrities. I idolize my grandparents. I have been through so much heartbreak. I have lost people I loved so very much. I have very few REAL friends. I have trust issues. I have several mental problems. I fight too much with my mom. I am scared to love. I am frightened to tell people how I feel, for fear of rejection. I've gotten drunk. I've gotten high on pot. I've stolen, cheated, and lied. I break down too much. I chew my nails. I get angry easily. I let myself be walked on, used, and thrown away because I am afraid to stand up for myself. I've been in a mental ward. I self-harmed for five years. I have been a victim of bullying, and I have been a bully myself. I dropped out of school. I have been a third wheel more times than I can count. I have the worst self esteem ever. My room is messy. I bottle up my emotions and then when I have had all I can take, I shatter. I am flawed.

 

But I am HUMAN. I feel. I laugh until I can't breath. I cry until I fall asleep. I love with all my heart. I write stories that I am passionate about. I sing 24/7. I hang out with friends. My phone is my lifeline. I sleep. I eat. I love candy. I love music. I love being in theatre productions. I am most comfortable when I am laying on my bed at night texting my friends. I win and I lose. I cook and I bake. I love NCIS and NCIS: Los Angeles. I give advice, although I am terrible at following my own advice. I love animals. I love children. I love roadtrips, especially when it is just me and my mom.

 

So I am not perfect. I am far from it. But I am ME. And if I don't fit in with society's ideals, well they can go sit with the other people who don't like me who are waiting for me to give a fuck. I AM ME. And I am not changing for anyone, or anything. My life. My decisions. NOT theirs.

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